Scared, anxious, nervous, sad, happy, fear, confused, wishful...

These are all words that describe how I feel about trying again for a baby. The plan is to start trying next month. We have a few more things to finish up and a trip to Six Flags to squeeze in before we can't go for several years again. I feel obsessed with being pregnant. It's so near and yet it feels like the time to pee on a stick and see two lines will never come again. I CAN'T WAIT! I have so many mixed emotions. I love my sons but I want to hold a child of mine so bad. I can't even begin to explain how difficult it is to see a pregnant woman or a small baby and not just stare with jealousy. It's been over a year and I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of them. I still cry for them. One difference now is that I am happy when I talk about them. I just wish I could have stopped time the moment that I had them in my arms forever. I am so glad we have pictures of them, ultrasound videos and videos of each of them kicking me. These were little things then but they are priceless now. I even have the cd of all their pictures and the ultrasound video in my lock box. They are the only things that I have of them and will have forever. I want a new pregnancy and a new baby(ies). I don't want to replace Jesse and Waylon but I want the joys of knowing what it is like to be a mom to a take home baby. I dream about the day I come home from the hospital with a baby in my arms. The memory of coming home childless will haunt me forever I think. No mother (or father) should ever have to face that. I know the possibility of having twins again is there. In one way I want that (but not the pregnancy). I think I would be scared shitless to be pregnant with twins again. But, I want to see and experience all the things that were ripped away from us. But even being pregnant with one I will be scared. I will be scared, anxious, nervous, sad, happy, fearful, confused and wishful for 9 whole months. I apologize in advance to everyone if I drive you crazy. Poor Toby might need some help and support as well to be able to put up with a crazy pregnant wife who is...well...hormonal and just plain crazy.

Kendra