The new "normal"

I was telling Toby the other night how I feel that I am in a "normal" state of being but that things are not "normal" like they once were. We have had to learn all over again how to feel normal. I came across this post from a good friend of mine in Ireland. This friend, lost her twins 10 days before I lost my boys. She is from Ireland, we have never met and yet I feel closer to her than some of my best friends here(read below). I am posting a few of them that really pertain to me (these were written from a grieving mother).

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age.
And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to
imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it,
because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an
everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has
become a part of my 'normal'.

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor
your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And
trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy
Birthday? Not really.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their
lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the
grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with
chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in
England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but
yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and
crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. 'God may have
done this because...' I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven,
but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy
babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes
absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have
two children or one, because you will never see this person again and
it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when
you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as
if you have betrayed your baby.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have
become 'normal' for you to feel, so that everyone around you thinks your normal.

Kendra

Writing a book

I have decided to write a book about my experience losing Jesse and Waylon. I have become wonderful friends with Andrea and Karen, two moms that lost their twins to twin to twin transfusion syndrome also. The book will be emails between the three of us as well as posts that we posted on the ttts message board. I orginally wanted to do it for the three of us just for us to remember and see what we have all gone through in the last year. But, as I am going through the posts and emails I realize just how much that it might help new parents going through the same situation. I just hope that I can let other parents know that they are not alone in what they are experiencing. All of the books I found for grief and losing a child were so "this is what you will feel" and not personal experiences.