it's been a long time

I finally decided to continue using this blog site. As you probably know, my last post was on March 8th and on March 12th, I delivered Waylon Thomas and Jesse Redden. I can't believe it has almost been a year already. In some regards it seems like it was a few months ago and yet it feels like it has been forever since I held them in my arms. I miss them everyday and there is not a day and sometimes hour that goes by when i don't think of them. I sometimes feel like I obsess over them but maybe I'm just afraid I will forget them. They were so beautiful. They had their daddy's chin and some say they had my lips...not really sure on that one. I think they had their daddy's feet too. We got to spend a few hours with them before they passed away. It was the worst and best day of my life. They say that a woman becomes a mom when she gets pregnant and a man becomes a father when he sees his child for the first time. I'm not sure about Toby but I'm very glad that I got to know my boys in my belly. Because of those 5 months with them, I do feel very much like a mother. Jesse was very active while Waylon was not quite as active. They loved to move to music. Jesse kicked me really hard one time when he heard Jeff and Toby playing guitar. I used to poke at my belly and they would poke back. Jesse liked to do it more than Waylon. I guess Jesse was probably the trouble maker...lol.

I went to therapy for awhile which helped me greatly. She helped me see what sometimes was so obvious but in my state of grief I could not see. I had five months off of work; I lost my job 4 months after I lost the boys. In the end, the bills got paid and it was the best therapy for me. I am finally after 10 months feeling like I am able to enjoy life again. I am a new person and I am still learning to like the new me. I struggled for a month or two of realizing that the old me was gone and that I had to learn to love myself again but I didn't like the new me. I cannot explain it really but if you have lost someone close to you, you probably know what I am talking about.

My niece, Josie, who was born 10 days before my boys has been a lifesaver. In the beginning, she was a depressing reminder of what I should have. I could not be around her and began to wonder if I would ever be able to. After a few months, I started seeing her in a different light. I saw her for her and not what I should have. She is the sweetest girl ever and I am so glad that I have been able to be a part of her life. She is still a reminder of what I don't have and sometimes I just stare at her thinking of the boys. Sometimes she makes me cry but it's ok. She sort of helps fill that void of what I don't have. Instead of watching my two boys grow up, I get to watch her and all of her milestones.

I have been blessed to meet two wonderful mothers out of this horrible tradegy. Karen lives in Ireland and lost her twin boys and Andrea lives in Minnesota and lost her twin girls. We all lost our babies to twin to twin transfusion. We have somehow found each other and are all helping each other out greatly. They know exactly how I feel and vice versa. Karen lost her boys on March 2nd so it seems we are usually in the same place of grief at the same time. Even though I have never met these ladies, I feel a bond so strong with them. I just hope we get the chance to meet someday (a trip to Ireland would be great!!).

signing off for the night....

Kendra