Grief...

After being off of anti-depressants for 7 months, I am back on them. I won't go in to detail but the last two months have been hell. I have felt completely out of control of my emotions and like I am going crazy. It has been an up and down battle since I had Wyatt. I went to the doctor at the beginning of this month thinking maybe my thyroid was off since the pregnancy but my thyroid is fine. So, I started seeing a therapist last week and she brought up something in our conversation that I had never thought of. I really struggled the first 8 or 9 months when Wyatt was born. I was emotionally a mess. My dr and I thought it was postpartum depression and he put me on meds which really helped me be able to function. However, I still had a hard time connecting and bonding with Wyatt. I knew I loved him but I just didn't feel this really close bond. It wasn't until he was closer to his first birthday that I started to feel this way. I started feeling a butterfly in my chest when I would be with him, something I hadn't felt before. Well starting about two months ago, I became an emotional wreck again. Most of the time, the butterfly in my chest was gone. I would cry anytime for no reason and I was completely unreasonable and a wreck. My therapist pointed out that maybe I'm not really over my grieving period yet from losing the boys. It makes sense b/c the first outbreak occurred right after Wyatt was born and the second one was soon after we got back from Ireland. I thought the Ireland trip was very healing and it was so wonderful to see/meet Karen finally. However, maybe it did bring up some unresolved feelings. That would also explain why I may have had a hard time feeling like I was bonding with Wyatt. I'm really hoping these therapy sessions will help me. I can see a lot of positive things that have happened because the boys were in our lives for such a short time. But I also feel sometimes that I wish they had never been born because things would have been so much easier. It's a battle and I think in some ways it always will be.

I will leave you with one of my favorite poems:

Lifetime Wish
If we could have one lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
for yesterday and both of you.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we have tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we have cried...
You've left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
we only wanted both of you.