Breastfeeding thoughts...

Since Wyatt was born, I have felt the need over and over again to explain why I stopped breastfeeding Wyatt after 4 weeks. What I hate about it is that I shouldn't have to explain. No matter the reason was it was Toby and I's decision, bottom line. People (and not all) make me feel like I just made up excuses or just didn't want to do it. Honestly it wasn't the best thing in the world but if I could have I would have. First, I was not producing enough milk. I know what you are thinking or saying if you are one of those people who try to make me feel bad for stopping. I tried...I tried expressing, pumping, etc. I just wasn't producing enough to make him full. I personally think there is a reason for this. I ended up on anti depression meds for postpartum depression. I think my depression which also meant I was not eating healthy or at all sometimes was partial cause for my lack of producing. I was seriously going crazy before I got on meds and even somewhat after the meds. It took until Wyatt was 9 months old before I could go off of them. I tried at 4 months, 7 months and then at 9 months. I think at 7 months I made it about a week before I started sobbing again. I would just sob uncontrollably. I couldn't function, etc. I had horrible thoughts about Wyatt (not about harming just that I didn't feel connected with him, etc) and that would lead me to sobbing more. At times, I wished he had never been born. I was an absolute mess! Obviously, if you know me, you know I am absolutely in love with my son. That person was not me and I am so glad I am over that. So, I guess what I am getting at is that if a mom says she isn't bf or stopped, don't judge her! Please!! Looking back now, I would have supplemented the bottle with at least one breastfeeding a day but I was just so completely out of it and not thinking straight. At least he got 4 weeks worth and he is healthy and happy now. That's all that counts. That being said, below is a quote from online source that I found about ppd and breastfeeding....

"Bottle-feeding and formula might not be as super-awesome-fantastic as breastmilk, but they're certainly pretty good, and if it comes to a toss-up between giving your child the best nutrition and losing your mind, or giving your child excellent nutrition and maintaining your sanity, well, the choice should be pretty straightforward. You can't take care of that baby if you're sobbing, helpless, in a corner. Better to get some rest and slip her an occasional - even a frequent - bottle than to sacrifice yourself at the altar of Breast Is Best.

Breast is best, but healthy, happy moms are better."

4th of July weekend

We had a fabulous weekend...Toby gets every other weekend off and it just so happened that he had the 4th weekend off. I went out on Thursday night for a few hours with my neighbor. We went to a bar called Poopy's and watched a band play. On Friday night, it was the monthly mom's night out. This time we went to the comedy club. It was pretty fun. Saturday night we decided to take Wyatt camping for the first time. We have a very nice state park right in town so we took him there in case we had to leave and come home. Well, he LOVED it! We ate dinner at the park restaurant. Then we took him to the playground. Walking back to our campsite, we met our camping neighbors. They had a 7 yr old girl. Wyatt and her became friends and she took his hand and off they went. So, we hung out with them for awhile. They were a very interesting couple and enjoyable to hang out with. Wyatt finally fell asleep in my arms so back to our campsite we went. We put him in the tent and Toby and I stayed up to play some farkle. He woke up once and when I unzipped the tent and popped my head in, he laughed. I guess he thought it was funny that my head just popped in. After that, he was asleep til 5am. Luckily, we got him to go back to sleep and then we all slept til 8:45! By that time, we were roasting in the tent too. We got up, made breakfast and then headed home. I'm so glad he liked camping since Toby and I love it. We just took a lazy day for the 4th. That evening though we went with our neighbors to their friends trailer on the Rock River. They do fireworks in Prophetstown on the river which is just down the road from us. Wyatt had a lot of fun running around there and helping us play bags. He fell asleep before the fireworks started but he woke up shortly before they began. He just sat there and watched them. I'm sure next summer he'll be a bit more enthused. We headed home after the fireworks so we could get the wee man to bed. We were both tired yesterday after a busy weekend but we had a lot of fun. Below are a few pics from the weekend.


I love this one! This was on the 4th just before the fireworks started.







My boys sleeping in the tent.

Potty training breakthrough today!

Potty training at it's finest, originally uploaded by kkirk78.

Wyatt decided to surprise me today. I have been working on potty training him, not hard core but I put him on the potty at least once a day. Well, this morning I said to him "Wyatt let's go potty". And he went straight to the bathroom door. I was shocked and thrilled. He doesn't actually 'go' on the potty very often but the fact that he is correlating these together is great. He sat on the potty two more times today and both times he went straight to the bathroom when I told him "let's go potty". He almost went on the potty once today if I could have gotten the diaper off fast enough but I was too slow. So, I just set him, diaper and all on the potty and told him "go potty" so at least he still got the idea...lol.

Also, tonight at bedtime I told Wyatt, "let's go night night". He put his head down on the pillow on the ground. Once again that surprised me as he has never shown that he understands what night night means. Then I went to go pick him up and he wouldn't let me. Instead he walked into his room and to his crib and pulled on the bars as if he wanted in. I couldn't believe he did both of these today!! What a little smarty pants...What's next?!

Update...

P1110579, originally uploaded by kkirk78.

Last night, Toby and I enjoyed an evening out without Wyatt. It was really nice to be out alone. We went to a Mexican restaurant, El Feria, that we hadn't been to yet. It was pretty good but El Toro in Clinton is still my fav. one around here so far. Then we headed back to Morrison and went to the three bars that are here in town...lol. We met one of our neighbors last night which was also nice.

Wyatt has become a climbing fool lately. He climbs on everything that he can. I had to include this pic of him. We were grilling out one night and he figured out how to climb up on to his picnic table. Wyatt and I go for walks around Morrison almost every evening that it's nice out. The other night he actually fell asleep in his stroller-which is very unlike him. Toby and I had the discussion last night about whether or not moving here was the right decision and we both feel that it was. In Nashville, I wouldn't feel comfortable walking around with just Wyatt like I do here. I even put a $20 in my pocket the other night to walk to the grocery store...that's something we never did in Nashville. Plus in reality, Toby and I would have only had 3 hrs every week day to spend with Wyatt after getting home from work. I can't imagine what a different child he might be if he had been with his sitter all day 5 days a week. I know we have made the right decision...There are advantages to living in the city but with Wyatt, the advantages of living in a small town out weigh those by far.

Toby and I are still going to college. It's been an adjustment since Toby started his new job to make the time for school but we are getting it down slowly. Toby is now working at Sullivans where I work. He is the night manager. It's pretty nice so far and he likes the job (far better than the other two he had here). I think this will be a job he can be happy with until he graduates from college. He has every other weekend off which is great. I know he is enjoying the 4 min commute to work as well.

Well...guess there's not much more to update here and Wyatt's about to wake up from his nap.

Ireland Trip

P1110354, originally uploaded by kkirk78.

Well, we made it back! We got back Sunday night and we are still trying to adjust to our time again, especially Wyatt. The poor guy is still pretty confused. He did very well on the whole trip considering the 6 hr time difference.

Meeting Karen was almost indescribable. I didn't realize that I still had some healing to do until I met her. We shared stories (in person finally!), pictures and memorial books of our boys. It was on this trip that I found the words to describe Waylon and Jesse coming into my life. I will never be happy that they died but I am very happy with what they have done with my life. The people I have met and choices I have made since they died have put me in a very good place in my life. Toby and I have discussed Godparents for Wyatt but could never decide who. We both knew after meeting them that Karen and Gavin were the ones, they just fit. Of course, they accepted. Hopefully that will never be but just in case I know my Wyatt will be in wonderful hands.

The trip itself was great. We got to see a lot of Northern Ireland considering we had a 1 yr old and 6 month old with us. It really is a beautiful country. I was in awe when we were standing on a cliff looking down at the sea and up at the rolling green hills. It was just magnificent.

Unfortunately, shortly after meeting Karen and Gavin we were also told that Toby's grandma died. We knew that she would probably pass while we were there. She was buried on Wed and we felt bad that we could not be there for her and the family. But in a way I found comfort that on the day she was buried, I was amongst some of the most beautiful scenery I have ever seen. I like to think she had something to do with us being there on that day.

We also visited the boys' (Odrahn & Daire) grave. It was very emotional to be standing there with Karen finally. A lot of emotions went through me and poured out through my eyes. We just stood there hugging for what seemed like an eternity. Without them and my twins, I would not have been standing there at that moment with someone I had just physically met days before and yet feel like I have known for a lifetime. We would not have taken this wonderful trip to see Ireland. As time passes on, I can see their (twins) plan and it was/is so much bigger than we could see through our grief.

They are already planning on coming in about two summers to visit us. I have already begun our Ireland trip fund. They have promised next time we'll be taking the tents and heading to Southern Ireland to camp. I can't wait!!

The Reason I'm called Mom...

I am called Mom for three reasons, Jesse, Waylon and Wyatt.




Several years ago if you asked me what being a mom was, I would have had a completely different answer. And even 2 years ago I had a difference answer. Then it was a mixture of emotions and thoughts after the twins died but before Wyatt was born. I was a mom but I was not a parent. To me, being a parent is a verb. It's how you raise your child. I mothered my twins but did not have them around to be a parent to. This year, after raising Wyatt for a year, my answer to what it's like being a mom is completely different. It is the most rewarding job ever! I think I am lucky too in that Wyatt is a happy little guy most of the time. I truly enjoy being a mom in every sense. Here are just a few things that I like about being a mom to Wyatt...

I like that I can hula hoop in a store and he laughs like it's the funniest thing he's ever seen. Or that smelling his stinky feet after I take his shoes off makes him laugh. When his teeth hurt and after giving him orajel and tylenol, holding him is what comforts him. Telling him to dance and then watching as he tries to wiggle his body all about with no rhythm whatsoever. Watching him crawl through a box over and over that to most people would be trash, but to Wyatt it's the best toy ever! Lastly, one of my favorite things is chasing Wyatt through the house. He loves to chase me just as much!

Happy Mother's Day to me and all the other Moms!!

Wyatt is 1!

Yesterday, Wyatt turned 1! I still remember last year like it was yesterday. Toby came home from work on my b-day and I told him that we may be heading to the hospital soon. I was in a fair amount of pain but I wanted to celebrate my b-day first. So, he went and got pizza and pop and brought it home b/c I was in too much pain to go out in public. We ate our dinner and within an hour we were headed for the hospital. They got me all hooked up and were just waiting to see what happened. Toby brought the computer and was watching a baseball game. The nurse came in and we were all talking about baseball when my water broke...Finally, it was time! This was about 8pm and Wyatt decided to arrive just 15 min after my b-day.

We have had a lot of fun this last year...he is a joy to be around (most of the time -lol). He has been walking for two months now. He has a few words he can say or at least we know he is trying to say them, kitty, doggy, good job, turtle, duck, mama, dad-da, and Dora. He is absolutely in love with Dora. He is eating mostly table food now. He still gets a morning bottle and occasionally baby food. He switched over to milk/sippy cup without much problems. He is a very active and happy little guy. He will sit and watch tv but other than that he is pretty much on the go.

He loves to be outside. Toby and I took him hiking at our local state park. It's a very nice park and I can't wait til we can take him camping there this summer for his first time. Below are a few pics of our hike.

We had his first b-day party last weekend so my brother and his family could come. He had a Dora/baseball theme since those are the two things he likes most. He did very well at his smash cake and make a nice mess of himself. We then went to Happy Joe's Pizza for dinner. We came home about 6:30 and he went to sleep as soon as we got home. He slept until morning, guess we wore him out good!

I'm looking forward to this summer and all the things we can do outside. Next month, we are going to Ireland! I can't wait!!! Wyatt is going with us so it will be interesting to see how he does on the plane and how he adjusts to the time change. It will be so great to finally meet Karen and her family after talking with her online for three years now. And...the other day, the last TTTS mom that I still talk to had her baby girl. Now Karen, Rochelle, Andrea, Sara and I all have gone on to have healthy babies! I'm so happy for all of us to be able to have another chance.

So...here are some pics from the last month or so.





Not the most flattering pic of Wyatt but I still think this is cute. This is his cousin Jake.