We went to Six Flags last weekend in Lousiville. We had a great time. We got there right when the park opened and we made it to 5 rollercoasters in 30 min! We ended up leaving early because there were no lines and we got through all the rides we wanted to go on and then some.
count down is on....1 month til we start trying for a sister/brother for Waylon and Jesse.
I went to a psychic on the boys' due date last summer. She told me some eerie stuff. She asked if I lost a baby when I asked her about my future with children. I told her I lost twins. She said I would have two boys and a girl. I didn't get if that was living children or total. She told me some more things that were dead on so I really think this time around we are going to have a little girl. I guess time will tell. She also told me that one of the twins...a boy (I didn't tell her what sex they were just that I had twins), his soul was going to come back in our next child. hhhhmmmmm.....
Kendra
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Scared, anxious, nervous, sad, happy, fear, confused, wishful...
These are all words that describe how I feel about trying again for a baby. The plan is to start trying next month. We have a few more things to finish up and a trip to Six Flags to squeeze in before we can't go for several years again. I feel obsessed with being pregnant. It's so near and yet it feels like the time to pee on a stick and see two lines will never come again. I CAN'T WAIT! I have so many mixed emotions. I love my sons but I want to hold a child of mine so bad. I can't even begin to explain how difficult it is to see a pregnant woman or a small baby and not just stare with jealousy. It's been over a year and I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of them. I still cry for them. One difference now is that I am happy when I talk about them. I just wish I could have stopped time the moment that I had them in my arms forever. I am so glad we have pictures of them, ultrasound videos and videos of each of them kicking me. These were little things then but they are priceless now. I even have the cd of all their pictures and the ultrasound video in my lock box. They are the only things that I have of them and will have forever. I want a new pregnancy and a new baby(ies). I don't want to replace Jesse and Waylon but I want the joys of knowing what it is like to be a mom to a take home baby. I dream about the day I come home from the hospital with a baby in my arms. The memory of coming home childless will haunt me forever I think. No mother (or father) should ever have to face that. I know the possibility of having twins again is there. In one way I want that (but not the pregnancy). I think I would be scared shitless to be pregnant with twins again. But, I want to see and experience all the things that were ripped away from us. But even being pregnant with one I will be scared. I will be scared, anxious, nervous, sad, happy, fearful, confused and wishful for 9 whole months. I apologize in advance to everyone if I drive you crazy. Poor Toby might need some help and support as well to be able to put up with a crazy pregnant wife who is...well...hormonal and just plain crazy.
Kendra
Kendra
Friday, June 27, 2008
Toby's new baby
We went out looking for a newer motorcycle for Toby and this is what we came home with. It only had 6 miles on it when we left the lot. We need to get a back rest for me but other than that she is ready for a nice long ride.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Driving to Illinois
Toby and I made the 10 hr drive to my parents last weekend. Even though we were going back for my great aunt's funeral it was a very enjoyable trip. We both miss Illinois; the flat corn land, the mighty Mississippi and great summer storms. All of which we got to see in our short stay. We got together with family that we hadn't seen in awhile. I had a trip down memory lane when I visited my aunt's house before we left. They will be selling it so we went to see if there was anything we wanted. In the basement is a bed and dresser. I opened up the dresser drawer and it was like revisiting the past. There was a joker card in the drawer. Instantly I remembered it was from about 8 or 9 years ago when Brandy (a cousin) was visiting and her and I and a few others were playing cards on the floor next to the bed. It's funny the things you remember. I also looked at the corner for the very last time where I slapped my little cousin. We were very young and playing hide and go seek. I was hiding in a corner at the bottom of the steps. He ran down and scared me and I slapped him. It's a great story to tell now. I also had to sit down at the organ (hopefully not for the last time). She always had one in the corner of the living room and I would sit and play-not very good either. It was sad to be leaving her house knowing that this was the last time I would ever be there. It was the only house I ever knew for my aunt and uncle and always will be.
Friday, June 6, 2008
video collage of Waylon and Jesse
I put together a video collage of the boys. I apologize, it is a tear jerker but it is a wonderful memorial to our sons.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The new "normal"
I was telling Toby the other night how I feel that I am in a "normal" state of being but that things are not "normal" like they once were. We have had to learn all over again how to feel normal. I came across this post from a good friend of mine in Ireland. This friend, lost her twins 10 days before I lost my boys. She is from Ireland, we have never met and yet I feel closer to her than some of my best friends here(read below). I am posting a few of them that really pertain to me (these were written from a grieving mother).
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age.
And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to
imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it,
because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an
everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has
become a part of my 'normal'.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor
your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And
trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy
Birthday? Not really.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their
lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the
grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with
chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in
England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but
yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and
crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. 'God may have
done this because...' I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven,
but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy
babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes
absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have
two children or one, because you will never see this person again and
it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when
you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as
if you have betrayed your baby.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have
become 'normal' for you to feel, so that everyone around you thinks your normal.
Kendra
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age.
And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to
imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it,
because it will never happen.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with
sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an
everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in
someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has
become a part of my 'normal'.
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor
your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And
trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy
Birthday? Not really.
Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their
lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the
grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with
chat buddies who have also lost a child.
Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in
England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but
yet never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and
crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. 'God may have
done this because...' I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven,
but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy
babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes
absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have
two children or one, because you will never see this person again and
it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when
you say you have 1 child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as
if you have betrayed your baby.
And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have
become 'normal' for you to feel, so that everyone around you thinks your normal.
Kendra
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Writing a book
I have decided to write a book about my experience losing Jesse and Waylon. I have become wonderful friends with Andrea and Karen, two moms that lost their twins to twin to twin transfusion syndrome also. The book will be emails between the three of us as well as posts that we posted on the ttts message board. I orginally wanted to do it for the three of us just for us to remember and see what we have all gone through in the last year. But, as I am going through the posts and emails I realize just how much that it might help new parents going through the same situation. I just hope that I can let other parents know that they are not alone in what they are experiencing. All of the books I found for grief and losing a child were so "this is what you will feel" and not personal experiences.
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