Farm Aid

Saturday was the annual Farm Aid concert. This was our third one we have attended. We feel very strongly about supporting family farmers which is what Farm Aid is about. It all began with a concert in 1985 in Champaign to help family farmers. They did not realize that it would become a yearly thing. I can't wait til Wyatt is older and we can take him. They have booths promoting all sorts of agriculture related ideas/groups/farms, etc. We signed several petitions this year, just one of the many great things about going. If you are interested in learning more about Farm Aid and what they do, visit www.farmaid.org. It also helps that Willie Nelson is the founder of Farm Aid and anyone that knows me knows how much I love Willie! He tries to do so much for our country and sometimes I feel he accomplishes more than the president. He is a wonderful and caring man, a great musician, comedian and just plain a living legend. I have read his autobiography and if you ever care to know more about him, I highly recommend reading it. You will learn a lot about him. We visited his home in Texas one year and walked out on to his golf course. His recording studio is there and someone was inside playing when we walked by. Toby and I wished we knew who was in there so maybe we could get a peek inside...well, guess what? We found out when we got home that it was a band called Mates Of State recording in there and they were on the same label as Toby's band...go figure. We probably could have gotten in..oh well. Anyways, back to the concert. It was a great lineup this year, as always. Lukas Nelson (Willie's son) played and he was amazing. We got to see him last year too. Band of Horses was very good and I really enjoyed getting to see Norah Jones play. She is my guilty pleasure girl. Jamey Johnson played who is by far one of the greatest new country Nashville musicians. He's the real deal. Jeff Tweedy was pretty enjoyable as well. There were a few others but I'm just highlighting the ones I really liked. John Mellencamp played and he rocked my socks off like always. He just sounds so much better and fuller live. If you like him, I you definitely need to see him live....ah...soooo good. Neil Young was very enjoyable and with him you never know what you will get. Of course, Willie played last. You can tell he is getting older and just can't play as long because he always has guests to play with him some of the time. BUT he is still so good. I'm glad I got to see him play years ago when he could still rock hours worth of a set. This was my 6th or 7th time seeing him play...not really sure which. I hope there are several more and many more Farm Aid's to attend.








Me enjoying a pb &j sandwich I brought from home so I could afford $7 beers, lol.


My sil's sister (Kelly), me, Toby, Karyn (my sil) and my brother Curt.

Update

Ok...so it's been awhile. I've been super busy with school. I just finished my first real design class, Basics of Interior Design. I loved it which is good since that is my degree. I am really enjoying school even though it takes up most of my evenings after Wyatt goes to bed. Toby is doing more of the core classes right now so I know he is not quite as pumped as I am. He will be there soon though. Wyatt is doing great! He is such a funny little guy. He has been learning new words almost daily for the last couple of weeks. He now says "no" but sings it over and over when he says it. It's so funny. He really is a smart and very good little boy. Tomorrow if the weather is nice we are taking Wyatt to the zoo. It should be fun b/c he has learned a lot about animals lately. He can make sounds for an owl, lion, monkey, cow and sheep. He loves owls right now and we plan to take him to see the new owl movie that just came out. He says owl "odwl"...it's very cute. We haven't done a whole lot lately, just the daily grind and a few trips to the park to play. The weather is getting colder here and fall has definitely set in. We broke out Wyatt's footy pj's the other night. I refuse to turn the heat on yet and it's been a bit cold in here at night. I'm looking forward to Halloween this year. Our neighborhood gets lots of trick or treaters which is always fun. Well, not much else to update I guess...hope everyone else is doing good.

Grief...

After being off of anti-depressants for 7 months, I am back on them. I won't go in to detail but the last two months have been hell. I have felt completely out of control of my emotions and like I am going crazy. It has been an up and down battle since I had Wyatt. I went to the doctor at the beginning of this month thinking maybe my thyroid was off since the pregnancy but my thyroid is fine. So, I started seeing a therapist last week and she brought up something in our conversation that I had never thought of. I really struggled the first 8 or 9 months when Wyatt was born. I was emotionally a mess. My dr and I thought it was postpartum depression and he put me on meds which really helped me be able to function. However, I still had a hard time connecting and bonding with Wyatt. I knew I loved him but I just didn't feel this really close bond. It wasn't until he was closer to his first birthday that I started to feel this way. I started feeling a butterfly in my chest when I would be with him, something I hadn't felt before. Well starting about two months ago, I became an emotional wreck again. Most of the time, the butterfly in my chest was gone. I would cry anytime for no reason and I was completely unreasonable and a wreck. My therapist pointed out that maybe I'm not really over my grieving period yet from losing the boys. It makes sense b/c the first outbreak occurred right after Wyatt was born and the second one was soon after we got back from Ireland. I thought the Ireland trip was very healing and it was so wonderful to see/meet Karen finally. However, maybe it did bring up some unresolved feelings. That would also explain why I may have had a hard time feeling like I was bonding with Wyatt. I'm really hoping these therapy sessions will help me. I can see a lot of positive things that have happened because the boys were in our lives for such a short time. But I also feel sometimes that I wish they had never been born because things would have been so much easier. It's a battle and I think in some ways it always will be.

I will leave you with one of my favorite poems:

Lifetime Wish
If we could have one lifetime wish
A dream that would come true,
We'd pray to God with all our hearts
for yesterday and both of you.
A thousand words can't bring you back
We know because we have tried...
Neither will a thousand tears
We know because we have cried...
You've left behind our broken hearts
And happy memories too...
But we never wanted memories
we only wanted both of you.

Breastfeeding thoughts...

Since Wyatt was born, I have felt the need over and over again to explain why I stopped breastfeeding Wyatt after 4 weeks. What I hate about it is that I shouldn't have to explain. No matter the reason was it was Toby and I's decision, bottom line. People (and not all) make me feel like I just made up excuses or just didn't want to do it. Honestly it wasn't the best thing in the world but if I could have I would have. First, I was not producing enough milk. I know what you are thinking or saying if you are one of those people who try to make me feel bad for stopping. I tried...I tried expressing, pumping, etc. I just wasn't producing enough to make him full. I personally think there is a reason for this. I ended up on anti depression meds for postpartum depression. I think my depression which also meant I was not eating healthy or at all sometimes was partial cause for my lack of producing. I was seriously going crazy before I got on meds and even somewhat after the meds. It took until Wyatt was 9 months old before I could go off of them. I tried at 4 months, 7 months and then at 9 months. I think at 7 months I made it about a week before I started sobbing again. I would just sob uncontrollably. I couldn't function, etc. I had horrible thoughts about Wyatt (not about harming just that I didn't feel connected with him, etc) and that would lead me to sobbing more. At times, I wished he had never been born. I was an absolute mess! Obviously, if you know me, you know I am absolutely in love with my son. That person was not me and I am so glad I am over that. So, I guess what I am getting at is that if a mom says she isn't bf or stopped, don't judge her! Please!! Looking back now, I would have supplemented the bottle with at least one breastfeeding a day but I was just so completely out of it and not thinking straight. At least he got 4 weeks worth and he is healthy and happy now. That's all that counts. That being said, below is a quote from online source that I found about ppd and breastfeeding....

"Bottle-feeding and formula might not be as super-awesome-fantastic as breastmilk, but they're certainly pretty good, and if it comes to a toss-up between giving your child the best nutrition and losing your mind, or giving your child excellent nutrition and maintaining your sanity, well, the choice should be pretty straightforward. You can't take care of that baby if you're sobbing, helpless, in a corner. Better to get some rest and slip her an occasional - even a frequent - bottle than to sacrifice yourself at the altar of Breast Is Best.

Breast is best, but healthy, happy moms are better."

4th of July weekend

We had a fabulous weekend...Toby gets every other weekend off and it just so happened that he had the 4th weekend off. I went out on Thursday night for a few hours with my neighbor. We went to a bar called Poopy's and watched a band play. On Friday night, it was the monthly mom's night out. This time we went to the comedy club. It was pretty fun. Saturday night we decided to take Wyatt camping for the first time. We have a very nice state park right in town so we took him there in case we had to leave and come home. Well, he LOVED it! We ate dinner at the park restaurant. Then we took him to the playground. Walking back to our campsite, we met our camping neighbors. They had a 7 yr old girl. Wyatt and her became friends and she took his hand and off they went. So, we hung out with them for awhile. They were a very interesting couple and enjoyable to hang out with. Wyatt finally fell asleep in my arms so back to our campsite we went. We put him in the tent and Toby and I stayed up to play some farkle. He woke up once and when I unzipped the tent and popped my head in, he laughed. I guess he thought it was funny that my head just popped in. After that, he was asleep til 5am. Luckily, we got him to go back to sleep and then we all slept til 8:45! By that time, we were roasting in the tent too. We got up, made breakfast and then headed home. I'm so glad he liked camping since Toby and I love it. We just took a lazy day for the 4th. That evening though we went with our neighbors to their friends trailer on the Rock River. They do fireworks in Prophetstown on the river which is just down the road from us. Wyatt had a lot of fun running around there and helping us play bags. He fell asleep before the fireworks started but he woke up shortly before they began. He just sat there and watched them. I'm sure next summer he'll be a bit more enthused. We headed home after the fireworks so we could get the wee man to bed. We were both tired yesterday after a busy weekend but we had a lot of fun. Below are a few pics from the weekend.


I love this one! This was on the 4th just before the fireworks started.







My boys sleeping in the tent.

Potty training breakthrough today!

Potty training at it's finest, originally uploaded by kkirk78.

Wyatt decided to surprise me today. I have been working on potty training him, not hard core but I put him on the potty at least once a day. Well, this morning I said to him "Wyatt let's go potty". And he went straight to the bathroom door. I was shocked and thrilled. He doesn't actually 'go' on the potty very often but the fact that he is correlating these together is great. He sat on the potty two more times today and both times he went straight to the bathroom when I told him "let's go potty". He almost went on the potty once today if I could have gotten the diaper off fast enough but I was too slow. So, I just set him, diaper and all on the potty and told him "go potty" so at least he still got the idea...lol.

Also, tonight at bedtime I told Wyatt, "let's go night night". He put his head down on the pillow on the ground. Once again that surprised me as he has never shown that he understands what night night means. Then I went to go pick him up and he wouldn't let me. Instead he walked into his room and to his crib and pulled on the bars as if he wanted in. I couldn't believe he did both of these today!! What a little smarty pants...What's next?!

Update...

P1110579, originally uploaded by kkirk78.

Last night, Toby and I enjoyed an evening out without Wyatt. It was really nice to be out alone. We went to a Mexican restaurant, El Feria, that we hadn't been to yet. It was pretty good but El Toro in Clinton is still my fav. one around here so far. Then we headed back to Morrison and went to the three bars that are here in town...lol. We met one of our neighbors last night which was also nice.

Wyatt has become a climbing fool lately. He climbs on everything that he can. I had to include this pic of him. We were grilling out one night and he figured out how to climb up on to his picnic table. Wyatt and I go for walks around Morrison almost every evening that it's nice out. The other night he actually fell asleep in his stroller-which is very unlike him. Toby and I had the discussion last night about whether or not moving here was the right decision and we both feel that it was. In Nashville, I wouldn't feel comfortable walking around with just Wyatt like I do here. I even put a $20 in my pocket the other night to walk to the grocery store...that's something we never did in Nashville. Plus in reality, Toby and I would have only had 3 hrs every week day to spend with Wyatt after getting home from work. I can't imagine what a different child he might be if he had been with his sitter all day 5 days a week. I know we have made the right decision...There are advantages to living in the city but with Wyatt, the advantages of living in a small town out weigh those by far.

Toby and I are still going to college. It's been an adjustment since Toby started his new job to make the time for school but we are getting it down slowly. Toby is now working at Sullivans where I work. He is the night manager. It's pretty nice so far and he likes the job (far better than the other two he had here). I think this will be a job he can be happy with until he graduates from college. He has every other weekend off which is great. I know he is enjoying the 4 min commute to work as well.

Well...guess there's not much more to update here and Wyatt's about to wake up from his nap.